It seems as if living through the 80s was not enough for 38 year old Abe Calimag, so much so, that he has managed to revisit its musical glory by clocking up a modest 275 viewings of the 80’s rock anthem spectacular, Rock of Ages.

Hailing from the US, Calimag has seemingly been unable to resist the call of mullets and leotards dancing wildly to synthesised beats, and really, who can blame him? Such things are surely mesmerising. However, with such an impressive tally of attendances, one may be tempted to term Calimag an ‘enthusiast’.

Calimags 275th viewing of the rock-sical extravaganza took place right here on Australian soil, and he claims that his favourite version is always ‘the most recent’ that he has seen. Not very picky, are we, Abe?

Perplexed reactions aside, the important question remains: Just how much could a humble US citizen potentially have paid over his lifetime for the mere privilege of hearing a leather-pant-clad Bon Jovi-esque creature ripping out ‘Wanted Dead or Alive’ a staggering 275 times?

At AU$125 for an adult ticket to Rock of Ages here at the Comedy Theatre in Melbourne, 275 tickets would set you back around AU$34,375. Considering Abe’s viewings have most likely been spread across the globe, we can’t really estimate purely on Australian prices.

Let’s say Abe saw it ten times in Melbourne (10 x $125), then flew himself up to Queensland where he took out a few producer’s seats at $130 bucks a pop (3 x $130), include a domestic flight (Jetstar, Melbourne to Brisbane on a Monday; $169 + baggage $18) and we’re off to a good start. Abe has now spent AU$1,827 dollars on his Rock of Ages Australian Tour. We haven’t included food or accommodation, nor how he got here in the first place, so let’s just assume he worked out where all the Salvation Army soup vans were, found a nice bridge to sleep under, and is a very, very good swimmer.

Now that’s only 13 viewings, so let’s assume the majority of his visits, say 150 of them, took place at the Helen Hayes Theatre in NYC. Twenty premium seats (US$270 each), one hundred mezzanine seats (US$162.50 each) and for the thirty times he struggled to pay his electricity bill, thirty of the cheapest mezzanine seats (US$91 each). This brings us to a total of US$24,380.

With the last 112 viewings to account for, let’s employ Abe’s suspected good swimming skills and assume he saw these last shows in London at the Shaftesbury Theatre. Now, because I have to get up and go to lunch shortly, I’m going to lump Abe with some crappy stall seats for the last one-hundred and twelve shows, saving him some serious pounds, and bringing the total UK Rock of Ages bill to £4,508.

With some fancy currency exchange rate magic, and a bit of calculative genius, Abe comes up at spending US$33,440.51 dollars, or for our purposes, AU$32,019.85.

You could probably BUY Bon Jovi for that much. Or his mullet, at least.

In any case, well done, Abe.

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